The Cloud

I’m flying over Utah, maybe Colorado. I just stared at a series of clouds that are scattered, one stuck out. This cloud (pictured above) seems so random; I can’t help but wonder what he’s up to. Maybe this lone cloud got into a fight with another cloud and he’s being punished. Maybe he’s old and doesn’t give a shit. Maybe he’s lost. Maybe he’s brand new and is looking down to earth for the first time ever… Or maybe it’s just a cumulus cloud formed from heat rising from the surface of the earth and connecting with a cooler atmosphere.

Damn. Science wins again.

Ignoring science for one second…

If this cloud is anything like me he’s being stubborn right now. He’s by himself trying to prove a point to someone, maybe himself, and he’s simultaneously wondering if he’s just being a total asshole and doing more harm than good. Either way, he’ll figure it out. I have faith in this cloud.

I Hate The Emergency Exit Row

Five totally ridiculously random thoughts have been stewing in my head today.

5 - The TV show AWAKE was cancelled. Damn! It was a very good show. I’ve talked about it to many times because the creator behind it, Kyle Killen, is insanely talented and has had some kind of horrible string of luck. For the record, his previous show Lone Star was also very good.

4 – I really want to see Battleship and I don’t care who knows it… but unfortunately it comes out next week. After my taste of Avengers I’ve become an insta action junkie - this happens every summer when the first blockbuster comes out. Sort of hoping Dark Shadows has Johnny Depp blowing something up.

3 – I like Kevin Hart. I’ve been giving this dude the short end of the stick for far to long, but I have to admit… he’s pretty funny. Random prediction: Kevin Hart will win an Academy Award at some point.

Just blacked out for a second. I thought I just wrote… Oh… yeah I did just write that. I’m sticking to it.

2 – I just spent the last 10 minutes watching Manny Pacquiao highlights and (I hate to say this) I think Floyd Mayweather would win the dream match. I should note that I never watch boxing and almost know nothing about it. Just saying.

1 – What’s the deal with paying extra to sit in the emergency exit row? I purchased a ticket on Frontier Airlines and they advertised the emergency exit row as an upgrade with more legroom. Seriously?

I’ve gone on the emergency exit row rant before so I won’t completely jump into this but their needs to be some rule changes. Specifically, I think to sit there you should have to be 18 years old; I do not trust a kid who is 13 to open that door.

People pay extra to sit there!?

Let me lay out a little scenario for you:

Worst-case scenario happens and someone has to use that emergency exit. Lets say you F up when trying to open that door. You’re suddenly the person who actually paid extra to be a hero but you screwed up and now all eyes are on you… And you’re out extra cash.

This whole concept of the emergency exit row is baffling. You’d think that the emergency exit row would be cheaper due to the potential responsibility behind it.

I think it’s time we change the name of the emergency exit row, lets be honest, nobody actually thinks of it as an emergency exit row, it’s for more leg room – and obviously the airlines know that the consumer thinks it’s a crock. While we’re at it, we can avoid the whole thing about how to put on a seatbelt before take off…

Inevitable Awkward Plane Transition

Boarding airplane…

Sit down…

The person sitting next to you takes a seat…

What happens here is a big moment. Do you engage in small talk, which somehow usually leads into longer talk? For the sake of argument, let say yes, you do. You’re chatting about the small irrelevant things like weather, time spent in whichever place you are, why you’re in the current place you’re in, etc…

You’re starting to get worried because you’re realizing that what you thought was small talk has turned into medium talk and you’ve just started to discuss your job. Shit, is this a full-fledged conversation? Yes, it is. It’s inevitable that you need to work yourself out of this conversation but you don’t know how, what’s a good segway?

This is an interesting moment because you know you could open up the conversation and make a larger investment but that’s not what flights are for; flights are for catching up on shit you were supposed to do on the ground.

ENTER: The inevitable awkward transition.

I hate this moment because I know for a fact that I (or anybody) cannot engage in a 3.5 hour airplane conversation and you need to end it. Deep down inside I hope that the other person is feeling the same thing so this conversation can be cut easily be cut short and not in awkward fashion. In my flying experience this is how you know you’ve entered that odd awkward zone:

- You’re talking and asking questions – everything seems fine.

- Stewardess comes on and tells you how to buckle your seatbelt and your conversation is sort of slowing.

- If you make a joke about the stewardess then you know you’re running out of conversation.

- Post stewardess there will be another push into conversation.

- Take off is happening and you’re starting to look out the window like you’re mentally wishing the town you’re leaving a “goodye” but wait… The person next to you brings up one more talking point.

- After the talking point you find yourself just staring at the seat in front of you – You’re in the zone.

You now need to decide how the remainder of the flight is going to go, are you going to close your eyes? Start reading your book? Open your computer? Either way it’s inevitable that your actions are saying “I’m done with this conversation.” There is no easy transition because you kind of want to be nice but at the same time, the conversation is over.

You transition away from talking to the person next to you and start doing whatever it is you want to do, with a former conversation just lingering.

I hate the awkward transition but is this just me? It can’t be, I see it happen all the time, but maybe I just over complicate what should be a mutual understanding that it’s time to stop talking.

If you’ve mastered this art then all the power to you and you should consider yourself a jedi in plane etiquette. By the way, this whole scenario can be null and void if you just don’t spark conversation… but wheres the fun in that?

Exit Row: Every Man For Himself!

So let me see if I understand this – in case of emergency I’m supposed to rely on average Joe to unlatch the door and help me?

You know for all the precautions that an airline takes before, during, and after a flight you’d think that there may be more guidelines to manning the emergency exit. The thing about the emergency exit / emergency row is that people don’t look at it as a chance to be put in a very fucked up situation; they look at it as a chance to get more legroom.

Here’s the thing: If I’m going to have to take off 40 percent of my clothing before getting x-rayed, pay extra to board a flight early, pay extra for luggage, and occasionally pay extra to sit closer to the front of the plane… then I want more assurance at the emergency exits.

This is what I propose:

Instead of having Joe the hungover college guy and Ted the 13 year old who barely meets the exit row age requirement sit at the exit row, how about airlines offer some incentives? Such as: If people take online courses that they pay 100 dollars for say… a week or a total number of hours then they automatically can fly free in the exit row - if it’s open - If it’s not open then they buy a full priced ticket.

What this will do is A) make some money for the airlines because tons of people would think they’d win the golden ticket and get a free flight that would otherwise cost 400 dollars. Yes, some lucky people would fly free in the exit row. B) Give some sort of reassurance to people that “Hey, the guy at the exit door may actually know how to open that door in case of an emergency.”

Proposing online courses for exiting exit rows sounds stupid you say? Yeah, I kind of think they’re stupid too but our system in America has online courses for college and driving classes… so it’s not that far fetched.

Let’s be honest – Nobody really thinks we’d ever need to use the exit row. I have this feeling that in the back of everyone’s mind is when or if there were some emergency that required the emergency exit then it’s every man for himself. The exit row is a glaring area where everyone turns the check on “worrying” about it. Nobody ever really thinks we’d need it.

Another idea is to put certifiably trained people in the seats that have a history of being cool under extreme situations. Will this be a waste for passengers flying from one place to another? Sure, they’d take up the seats. But come on – the airlines waste so much manpower on bullshit already. Today at the airport I saw a guy toss a lighter into the trash and make a joke about it -“Whoops!”

For the record, if there is no change then I’m okay with the way it is, but lets acknowledge that the announcements in the beginning and asking people if they’re okay to sit in the exit row means nothing. Fortunately I feel confident that I could wrestle my way to the emergency exit before anyone else…

Every man for himself, right?