Hey Cancer, F**K You!

Most things that I create (film or write) I do it with the intent of making someone happy, creating new thoughts, or sparking imagination. This post is a little different. Below are two different writings. I was dealing with some stuff in my life and thought I’d take a moment to write about it. It's more of a spewing of thoughts, a stream of consciousness even. If nothing else, I hope at least one person will find this helpful. 

December 10th, 2014

It’s December 10th, 2014 and I’m scared shitless. In October my mom was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast Cancer - HER2 positive.

My initial thought: Okay, stage 1. This sucks but we have many reasons to be optimistic. There's 4 stages. This was caught early. We'll just remove the problem and be done, right? Sort of right. 

There's this HER2 thing, which apparently is a protein, and because of this protein, she needs Chemotherapy. Since October we’ve had more doctor visits than I’d like to remember but the major milestones was the Mastectomy… another small surgery… and now the chemo journey. The first treatment was yesterday, and now, I sit in my mom's home, fucking confused as to what my mom, sister, and I are getting ourselves into.

It should be noted that I live in California, my sister in Colorado, and my mom in Wisconsin. The travel has allowed me to enter the elusive A PLUS program offered by Southwest along with a companion pass for the next calendar year - I’ve flown a lot. My distance is what scares me. The unknown scares me... How is my mom going to handle this when we’re not around? My father passed away a long time ago and that’s the short way of saying she’s by herself.

Like every single human in the entire world who's dealt with this - when we found out my mom had breast cancer it was a shock. She’s healthy, what the fuck? Now we’re pumping her full of shit. Shitty fucking shit. I hate chemo and I hate all of the drugs she has to take. Just today she took steroids, anti nausea something, and Claritin, yes, fucking Claritin. Why? Well, it will help blah blah nausea blah blah blah.

Eh. I can’t compute anymore. I thought I’d have a holistic solve. I don’t. We’re left pumping my mom full of garbage.

Here I am. Confused as ever. Really scared. I’m writing this in hopes to follow up when her final chemo treatment is done. Maybe beyond. I hope to look back so I don’t forget how scared I was, even though no amount of words could do justice. I’m also writing this to maybe help someone else at some point, because all I want right now is some kind of help or guidance.

I wish I could find someone just like me and talk to that person and just hear them out. I want a son, from out of town, who is dealing with his mother’s small tumors but hey, it had a protein (HER2) that elevated my mom’s estrogen and forced chemo into our lives. I want to find that someone. It sounds sick but if there was a MATCH.com for people like me seeking other people like me, I’d be on it so fast it’s scary. I just want to talk with a version of me.

I guess I’m just worried. Scared. I can’t say it enough. I’m writing this fully knowing I’m showing my emotional hand, but at this moment, this is what’s helping me. This is what feels good. This is what I need to do. The truth is, I don’t know if i’m going to post this. I have this website for posting thoughts and feelings. I also release other content online. I release videos and short films of stories and thoughts. Staying guarded about my personal life, but trying to crack the door open juuuuust enough.

When I come back to this document it will be after my mother’s next 5 treatments of chemo (6 in total). I’m optimistic, mainly because every doctor told us to be, but I’m still worried.

I’m going to leave this document to collect dust for a few months, then revist, and I hope I can help someone like me at some point. I hope this will relate to at least one person. I hope that someone may read this seeking answers and will reach out to me to talk about life. Most importantly, I hope that when I come back here it’s with positive news, I’m sure it will be.

Fuck cancer. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Off to have an emotional breakdown...

April 8th, 2015

It’s April 8, 2015. My mom’s final chemo was two weeks ago. It’s weird how time flies but on the same hand it slogs along. That’s what the past 6-7 months have felt like - slow, yet fast.

I was hesitant to write this and post. At this moment I'm kind of "done" talking about all of this stuff. In other words, I'd like to pretend like everything is okay and compartmentalize. Also, as I mentioned above I tend to stay a bit guarded with what I release and truthfully this is offering up more than I thought I’d ever post about myself.

-Pause-

Just for the record… I’m not some guy who thinks people are going to flock to read random things I post on a blog. I know where I stand in the world of the internet, I’m not a fool, but at the same time you never know what will come back to haunt you down the road. People need to be careful when posting online. 

That’s a message for the kids. 

-Un-Pause-

I was thinking about when I first started writing this and it was when I was very confused and very lost. I needed someone to talk to, I was aware of that. I have my wife, family, and friends to vent to but I needed something more. Not saying I needed a therapist but I wanted a dude to relate to. Maybe I did need a therapist?

Secretly (or maybe not so secretly) I wanted me from the future to tell me what’s going on. Okay, so I needed a DeLorean. I think it’s safe to say that I hate uncertainty, specifically when it comes to issues of health. Yet, here we are, dealing with uncertainty and still moving forward. I wish I could just say “hey, we’re in the clear” but my mom still has a road ahead, however after the last 6-7 months I think I can say with certainty we can handle this.

My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with this shit, especially when cancer isn’t caught early…Hell, even when it is caught early. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone. I truly believe it’s the devil and not in disguise, it’s showing itself and blatantly fucking with you. Which is the worst.

If you can relate to anything I just wrote and you find yourself in a similar situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. All I wanted was someone to talk to and I can’t say it enough. If you’re finding yourself going crazy and want to vent, rant, email, skype, facetime, share stories, whatever, I am here for that. I’d be more than happy to express any thoughts or just talk about things. I'm no therapist, not by a long shot, but I am a dude who can lend an ear.

This is my email: josh@thebigshoe.tv

My mom’s situation isn’t nearly as dire as others, the outlook is positive, and I'm fully aware of how fortunate my current situation is. But I can't deny that this single experience did a number on me mentally. It re-calibrated my thoughts and gave the “life is short” reminder. By the way, the “life is short” reminder shouldn’t ever actually be a reminder, it should just be a way of life. I’m ashamed I actually need something massive to remind me. Fuck it, no dwelling on the past, life is short. Remember not to waste your time on bullshit (easier said than done).

There you have it. That’s it. Hopefully I can pay something forward from this (currently ongoing) experience. When I’m done writing this I'm going to take a moment to appreciate life… and then follow that moment up with saying, “Fuck you cancer." I seriously hope cancer gets cancer and self implodes.

Good luck to everyone dealing with the devil.

Complaining About The Weather

I'm sure weather complaints have been a constant of mankind. I can't imagine any period of time where people didn't bitch about it. Honestly, sometimes, you just have to sit back and say "Fuck this weather." I may not like when people do it but I understand it, and because I understand it, I give you this: A video bitching about the weather --

[youtube=http://youtu.be/LTCLwGid4y0]

Never Get Off The Bike

I was recently involved in a hit and run... aka: an old dude hit me in a crosswalk and I'm still really pissed off about it. I tossed my bike into the closet due to some form of anxiety, but now, I think I need to get it fixed and get back on it. Made a video that's intertwined with Snapchat. I give you...  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLcAloeGjoU

 

To see more Snapchat stories, my username: TheJoshford

 

inTransit: A Brief History Of My Journey and the Greatest Travel Show... Ever.

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Let me jump into a very quick story that turned out to be the catalyst to a life changing event. At some point in 2007 I met a guy at a ridiculous Hollywood party, he was sporting a Bulls T-shirt of Michael Jordan doing something awesome. Weird that I remember this? Yeah, maybe. But I’m from Wisconsin and if I think anyone is from the Midwest odds are we’re having a conversation. So, I go up and say:

“Hey man, nice shirt, you from Chicago?”

And he probably said something along the lines of:

“Yeah, where are you from?”

Which then sparked a casual run of the mill conversation in Hollywood that ended with us saying, “Hey, we should hang out some time.”

Flash forward to a few days later….

I get a text on my awesome 2007 flip phone from this guy saying:

“Hey, I’m going to walk over to your apartment, do you want to hang out?

To which I guess I said something along the lines of:

“Yeah, sure.”

The weird thing about this is that I didn’t know where he lived, I just said yeah because I was in my early 20’s and would say yes to anything. I called my other friend Ethan who knew this guy and told him he was walking over to my place. Ethan said that this guy lived over the hill.

***Just a quick little cool-guy Hollywood talk for everyone: When someone says, “over the hill” they’re basically saying they live in another world. I lived in a studio apartment in Hollywood and to go over the hill I’d have to take Laurel Canyon or God forbid, the Cahuenga Pass. I can’t talk about this anymore because my douche bag nonchalant Hollywood level is starting to get higher than I want. Long story short over the hill is far away…

So when I heard he may potentially be coming from over… and walking… I was confused. It didn’t make sense. Sure enough, a short time later this guy knocked on my door holding a six pack and said, “Hey, I found this on the side of the road.”

After a quick hang out he asked me if I wanted to walk back with him. I had to work at a Sushi restaurant later that night and I didn’t think I could do the walk. But after a moment of thinking I ended up saying, “yeah, sure” (I was early 20’s) and then he’d drop me off at work once we concluded the walk. We proceeded to walk back to his apartment.

On the long walk back he started to tell me how he always wanted to have a travel show and how much he loved travel. He went on, to what would later turn out to be an incredible philosophical approach about travel, and tell me about how important it was to see the small things along the way. How when people travel they can miss things, and essentially it’s all about the journey, not the destination. Of course, everyone knows it’s about the journey but few people actually instill this into their DNA, this guy was not someone who lacked it.

Flash forward to a few weeks later…

This guy comes over and tells me that he wants to document a travel series on YouTube. He wanted to walk from Los Angeles to San Diego, film it along the way, and then upload the videos at night. I thought it sounded awesome. Also, keep in mind that this was the early stages of YouTube, this wasn’t exactly a “normal” thing to do.  At some point he said he wanted to call it “The Walkstars" and get his two brothers to walk along with his friend from Hawaii. I said I was in.

Flash forward to a few more weeks later… 

We walked from Los Angeles to San Diego. Uploaded videos along the way. Got blisters. Got tired. Minimal arguing from everyone. Some drinking. A total of 5 days walking. I was going through a break up at the time and this allowed me time to reflect on how depressed I was and listen to Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River” on repeat. It was a successful walk.

Flash forward to a few months later…

At this point this guy and I are pretty great friends. We connect on a production and life level, we like making short skits, music videos, and we constantly toss around ideas. We have a conversation discussing a scooter trip across the USA. We’d ride 29 mph scooters and instill the idea that it’s about the journey and not the destination. We’d take our time and see things in America that people ignore. We’d meet people along the way. We’d camp. We’d explore. We’d call ourselves “The Scootstars". We’d talk about creating an umbrella called “inTransit” for travels like “The Walkstars" and “The Scootstars" to live under… And yes, we’d film this trip.

I was in.

We spent roughly 3 months together traveling. At one point my scooter broke down so I hopped on the back of his. We spent so much time together we could probably read each others minds, whether or not this was a good thing, I’m not sure, but it sure as hell wasn’t a bad thing.

I can’t speak for him but I can tell you that a few very important things happened to me while I was on the road:

- I realized how much I cared for a woman who was back in Los Angeles. Little did I know but I’d end up asking this same woman to marry me.

- I realized that I wanted to focus on my writing and crafting stories through screenplays.

- I came to a new found appreciation of humans in America. I realized that there are great people everywhere and it’s what makes us, as people, great. There’s a lot of good in this world and people are at the core of it.

Once the scooter trip concluded my life was forever changed. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. I needed years to reflect and connect the dots. The adventure and journey on the road changed me.

Flash forward to yesterday…

This guy released a sizzle reel highlighting his traveling, himself, and also the soul that is (what I think) his philosophical traveling beliefs. Since I stopped traveling with him after the scooter trip he’s taken public transportation through Central America, A canoe down the entire Mississippi River, a Train through Russia, A Land Rover across America, and most recently a quick trip to commemorate Peter Tosh’s 69th birthday (to name a few).

This guy is Peter Bragiel and he’s one of my best friends. We’ve basically been neighbors for the past 7 years and still collaborate on ideas, videos, and drinking beer. When I watched the sizzle reel I caught a glimpse of our scooter trip and it made me reflect how important that time of my life was. It was roughly a quarter of my life ago but it’s still a fresh memory. Our traveling caught me at an interesting point in my life and I may even go as far as to say it was transformative.

Then I got to thinking… That’s the beauty of travel. Specifically, that’s the beauty of inTransit and what Pete has created. He offers an outlet for those who don’t have it, or want it and haven’t embraced it yet. The motto of enjoying the journey is said so often yet it is rarely approached. InTransit is that outlet. It’s a journey, the adventure, the experience. There’s a cliche saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know” - and in my opinion, that’s the beauty of what inTransit is. You don’t know what you’re about to experience but you’re probably going to be better once you know it. Also, Pete is the anchor behind the whole thing and he's a person who genuinely loves to travel and experience what the road has to offer.

Below is Pete’s sizzle reel and if you haven’t seen inTransit you’re missing out. For me, watching this is an incredible journey that I watched my friend go on and fortunately I was able to be apart of it, if only for a short period of time.

Check out this reel. I can’t tell you how badly I want this to be a fully funded TV show or show that lives online. It’s different from anything you’ve ever seen. I’m not just saying this shit because he’s my friend. Trust me. If you live like this, if only for a little while, who knows what will happen to your life…

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM4mpPYUHQU?list=UUs1o_kAxoMj1xcRyBp-rIYg&w=560&h=315]

Pete's Youtube Channel: www.youtube.com/pdrop

Life In 2014

The new year is an interesting time. I feel that this time along with birthdays are the times that people become the most introspective. We reflect on what the hell we accomplished… or didn’t accomplish. But more importantly, we look forward and think about what we want to do, or what kind of person we want to be. I’m not sure if it’s just me but ringing in a new year seemed like a bigger deal when I was younger. Something about it was so great and if I’m being honest, I felt that I could actually reset the past and wash away my sins. It’s as if the previous year didn’t exist and all is forgiven. Now that I’m older I think I just pray to anyone who will listen that, that’s how I’ll feel when I know in my gut the changing of a year doesn’t mean shit, it’s just another day in the world of time. Thankfully I’m not time, I’m man, and I ignore logicality.

I fucking love new years, sure I may have some internal conflicts about what it really means to me. However, I am certain it does mean something and I love what that something feels like. The scary part is when it wears off. When we hit April or May and everyone is back in their swing again saying to each other, “Oh my god, I can’t believe it’s basically summer.” Reverting back to the tendencies you don’t like is never fun.

So how do you capture that something? How do you hold onto the optimism and clarity when going into a new year? Do we voice out our ambitions to other people? Write down our goals and constantly look at them? Have a friend hold us accountable? I guess it just depends on the type of person you are. Also, how do you account for the variables that seem to change our thinking? Of course, these are all rhetorical questions. The only right answer is what works for us individually.

If you figure out a way to maintain the feeling right around the new year and keep it steady for an entire year you have to let me know your secret. Or don’t. You’ve basically captured lighting in a bottle. I feel like I’m getting close to figuring it out. I always do… but then April or May hit and I look myself in the mirror and say, “Oh my god, I can’t believe it’s basically summer.”

London: One Week Later

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I was in London last week and during my trip I intended to film it and update this blog with regular (but brief) entries. Very quickly I knew that I wasn’t filming anything, and not so quickly I realized I wasn’t going to be doing any writing or entries. Why? Well, a few reasons:

1 –I didn’t film because I had friends in town and I didn’t trust myself carrying my camera everywhere. We’d leave the flat for long stretches and I didn’t know if I could confidently say, “I won’t lose my camera.”

2 – Drinking.

That pretty much sums it up.  Let me digress and give a one-week-later London reflection.

It doesn’t help the situation that I’m from the land of beer (Milwaukee) and I was staying with my friend who also was from Wisconsin, and who happened to be hitting a 3-day work hiatus. Also, I had two of my best friends (also from Wisconsin) come visit for two days. When the four of us got together it was as though we could all see into the looking glass and what we saw were pints and hangovers.

Do I wish I had better self control, yes, of course. But my self-control ties into a larger issue with being in London – people like to drink, a lot. There is a pub on nearly every corner. It was as though every stereotype that has ever been said about London was true. I guess stereotypes exist for a reason. Also, I can’t help it if drinking and fun occasionally go hand in hand. I can’t help it that I really like to talk to people and when you’re in a pub getting shitfaced (whoops, excuse me, getting “pissed”) people become more talkative. I can’t help these things. I can only experience them, and that’s what I did.

My drinking experiences directly tied into my lack of motivation to write or do anything. There was one night when I was laying in bed and whipped out my laptop, started to type and this is the actual entry:

Man, what the F d over am I

Yup. You may notice that doesn’t make much sense. There may be a child sitting in preschool somewhere who is going to write the same thing in about 30 minutes. The beauties of drinking. For every great night of conversation there is an incoherent phrase waiting to be muttered.

Moving on from the perpetual state of drunk – London is pretty awesome. I’d be lying if I said that I knew where I was half the time; I couldn’t get my bearings. I kept asking people which way north was and half the time people didn’t know. Of course the monuments and landmarks are beautiful, outside of the city is peaceful, the culture is interesting, the curry was great… The world is fucking awesome.

That’s my takeaway.

That’s always my takeaway when I go somewhere I don’t know. Even if I hate the places I go to, I love that I hate it. I love knowing there are other experiences in the world. There is no substituting experience in life, you either have them or you don’t.

This is it. This is my one-week-later London refection. Pretty in depth, right? I kind of wish there was more to this but I think I need to blame the drinking for lack of substantial memories. There’s just a lot of fragmented good times, and really, how do you express fragmented good times?  The best way is probably through video…

Shit.

London Adventure: Need Advice

http://youtu.be/Zgt3C9IT3mo If my blog post yesterday wasn't enough I went ahead and followed it up with a video. Heading to London, any advice on what to see would be appreciated. I also became "ask-for-help-on-Twitter-guy" in this post. Not something I'm totally proud out, but something I'm coming around to.

Off to London...

Image I’m going to London to meet up with a group of friends. I’ve never been, but I think it’s safe to say that I’m looking forward to it. Aside from the fact that I like to see people close to me, I also like to get out of the house and explore new territory, and truthfully, I don’t do it enough.

I’m going to cut the shit and get to the chase here because I’m on the verge of walking down a road reflecting on friendship and how life takes us in a new direction and blah blah.

I’m writing this is because I’d like some advice on what to see and where to go in London. I’m not talking about the basic things, i.e.: Big Ben, London bridge, London eye, Windsor castle…  or really anything I can find on the internet in 30 seconds. I’m talking about off the road hole in the wall historic landmarks that I wouldn’t be able to find unless I pleaded for help on the Internet.

Also, and I mean this – If you’re reading this and will be in London over the next few days please don’t hesitate to connect. The best way is to email me: Josh@thebigshoe.tv or twitter: @JoshuaHallman

(Just became that dude asking people to tweet me)

Only reach out if you want to have a drink and talk about life, movies, sports, adventures, conspiracies, travel, and writing. Hope to talk with someone somewhere, it would be cool to connect... I think.

The Beauty Of Creation

Right off the bat we should establish that this is in no way a religious thing so lets not let the title of this post mislead you. I just let my mind drift as it normally does and I got to thinking about the creation of art, entertainment, stories, basically anything that has a human at the helm. It’s incredible for me to think that something doesn’t exist and then a person brings it into existence, possibly altering the mind of someone observing whatever it is. The impact that creation can have on someone is hard to comprehend. Many times we see a work of art or a quote, and it alters our thinking - Literally changing our lives. It makes me wonder about creations that exists in the world that I’ve never seen, or creations that almost never were.

I’m not sure if creation is as appreciated as it should be, especially now. We live in a time where we’re spoiled with information and content. We’re in a microwave attention span time-period so I feel that much of the things we see we take for granted simply because we’re trained to look and move on.

Also, we have access to the greatest site in the world, YouTube, and it allows us to watch an auteur create a five minute story that took him three months along with blood, sweat, and tears, but on the flip side you can also watch a cat jump on a hamster but was filmed by a ten year old in sixty seconds.  Does watching cat on hamster pull us from appreciation of good calculated creation? Also, who's to say what is “good” and what isn’t? But really, that’s the beauty of creation! We don’t know what’s good or bad until we see it. You may be reading this post and thinking it’s the biggest piece of shit of all time, you may be right, but it wasn’t in your life five minutes ago… so wrap your mind around that.

Shall we dig a little deeper and talk about the creation of human life? I don’t think that’s the best idea at this current moment. My mind is overloaded right now just thinking about this subject, when I pull back and try to relax I’m left with one solid conclusion: Creation is amazing, and what you create says more about you than what you’ve probably ever intended, but that’s the beauty of it. As long as people create then people will keep thinking of newer things to create… It’s essentially evolving the world.

That One Time I Started To Hate Dogs.

383088_10150957763585005_1679889685_n Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be possible to hate dogs. I love dogs. I’m that guy who goes out of my way to play with dogs. When I’m at a party and someone has a dog, I find that dog. My sister has a dog, his name is Summit, he may be man’s best friend, and when I say “may be” I mean he IS man’s best friend. Greatest dog ever 10 years running, and he’ll continue to be the greatest dog until the end of time. But, lets not go down that road, I can’t think of a life without Summit.

So I love dogs, great, fantastic, who doesn’t? Ohhhhh right. Me! But how, how could this possibly happen? What the fuck? I’m so conflicted in my dog loving life. I’ll tell you how it could possibly happen… Los Angeles happened.

This may not be totally accurate but it seems as though 95% of Los Angeles owns dogs that are smaller than the size of my 10.5 foot. These little dogs are running crazy, they’re maniacs. Never have I seen so many Chihuahua’s in my life. For the record I just had to auto spell “Chihuahua” – even the spelling seems insane. But it’s not just Chihuahuahuhhauha’s, it’s other small dogs. How could there be so many small crazy dogs. Well that part is kind of obvious, to me at least —

I live in West Hollywood / Hollywood area. It’s so small and condensed. People who want dogs end up getting small dogs and since there are so many people BOOM there are so many dogs, simple. But still, that doesn’t add up to why I hate these things. So let me peel back another layer and try to save face. It’s not the dogs that I hate… it’s the owners of the dogs.

As of right now it seems as though my anger is unjustified and is totally all over, it is, and that’s only because I feel bad writing this. I feel bad hating things. So here we go, here’s my justification:

My problem is when dog owners find it okay for their dog to just jump up on you, bark, run past your office door, or really anything that people find cute just because. The things that people find cute, I find it totally annoying. I don’t care about other dogs, and PEOPLE don’t care about other dogs. I don’t think. But really, why do dog owners think just because their dog is cute then everyone thinks it’s cute? What is that?

People treat their dogs like they’re the second coming just because it successfully sat down or didn’t take a shit on the street. These dogs are getting away with societal murder.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on people being able to travel with their dogs on airplanes as “helper” dogs because they need “emotional” support. Fuck off. What an insult to people who actually need a dog with them. It’s a slap in the face. Emotional support? Really? You’re not emotionally equipped to be without your dog for a weekend?

Taking a breath…

Trying to make sense of why I even started to write this…

Oh right! So my problem is with dog owners and it’s starting to transfer to the dogs. I know it’s happening and I can’t stop it, that’s the scary part. Sometimes when I see a dog minding its dog business some negative thought enters my mind and I try to stop it, trying to think of other reasons why I like dogs, but negativity takes over like some kind of virus. But I guess that’s what negative thoughts do; they can easily take over so much faster than anything positive.

Maybe I need to get out of this bubble that is Los Angeles and get back to seeing what I consider normal dogs — Dogs that you can actually play with, dogs that I feel like I can’t physically harm with my one hand just by petting it, dogs that don’t have a size complex, and dogs that sound like they’ve hit dog puberty when they bark.

I remember Bob Barker used to always sign off the Price is Right by saying, “Don’t forget to get your dogs neutered.” My God was he ahead of the curve.

What a strange rant this has been. I was hoping to talk through my current day totally-out-of-the-blue-dog-hate. I kind of did, it’s the owners…

For the record I need to say that to all my friends with small dogs. I love your dogs.

Walking Entitlement

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Where do I even begin? Lets begin in Los Angeles because what I’m about to jump into *mainly occurs in LA.

Imagine you come to an area (LA) with a dream and you don’t meet the dream in the time period you set for yourself. Now imagine being around tons of people who have the same dream, and those people seem to be multiplying and they’re not hitting their dream strides either. They’re getting frustrated, now you’re getting frustrated. You’re chasing after what you want and you’re being rejected… so are other people. Fuck, a bunch of people are getting really frustrated! You feel out of control. Bunches of people feel out of control. You need to take a walk and think about things, you need to feel in control.

Enter – Walking Entitlement.

I’ve never been around so many people who seem to be totally fucking clueless when walking across a street or on a sidewalk. But they’re not really clueless, they’re minding their own business, which of course is fine, but they’re not minding unspoken spatial laws of life. The law that may or may not state: Being aware is a priority when walking in a congested city with frustrated humans.

I believe that people feel so out of control in their jobs or pursuit of jobs that they relieve frustration by trying to show themselves and others they’re in control. One place to do this… when taking a walk. It sounds ridiculous but it’s true.

- People in LA just step into streets with a 30-mile per hour car 10 feet away and expect a full stop.

- People walk with dogs and occupy full sidewalk without worrying about others walking towards them.

- People walk in bunches on a sidewalk and don’t move when you’re walking by yourself.

I’ve heard people say “I’m going to sue you if you hit me” and walk in front of cars when they shouldn’t be walking… just because. What kind of asshole does that? People feel entitled while walking. Really, when they’re driving too, but that is a different story. It all breaks down to CONTROL. Which I get… but you don’t have to be an asshole.

I wish there were rules in stone that would allow people to do something to absentminded walkers without facing repercussions.

(Just drifted into a world that sees people getting “get out of jail free” digital cards to allow you to teach appropriate lesson without actually harming the person. In this world there is also specialized honking horns that directs attention at poor drivers).

Okay, I’m back.

Walking entitlement. I get that it’s everywhere, but it’s especially bad in LA. I’ve never seen anything like it. It boils down to being unaware of your surroundings and thinking you can just go. The danger of the unaware walker is that it’s a bigger risk for accident or problem to other people. Having said all of that…

I love LA.

(Cue: Randy Newman)

Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Holiday and Culture

not-drunk-from-wisconsin-t-shirt The combination of a mother who doesn’t think I eat enough and the culture that is (most of) Wisconsin has created the perfect storm of complete and total over fucking indulgence… I wish I didn’t drop an F-bomb right there but I needed it for emphasis.

Quick backstory - I left Wisconsin and moved to Los Angeles to find a career, or really any job in the entertainment industry. It took a while to figure out what the hell I was doing and I’ve often wondered if I should have prepped myself a bit more before I blindly moved. The truth is: a) nothing can “prepare” you for a move to LA and b) The other part to why I moved so quickly was because of the lifestyle I was living.

I was drinking and eating as though it was the final days of the world. A glutton who lay on a bed and was served s’mores dipped in grease and then deep fried then wrapped in cheese while I washed it down with a Keystone Light. Okay, no, not really, but almost really. I was eating but mainly because I was drinking so much, and yes, it was Keystone. Of course I was drinking so much – I was in college and this was Wisconsin.

To honestly understand the culture is to live in the Midwest, it’s difficult to express if you don’t experience it. During my early 20’s in Milwaukee I may have spent more days blacked out than I did coherent, and it felt okay, not because it was okay but because I was just one of many doing it. I thought that’s how college was but actually it’s how Milwaukee was.

Wait, am I talking about Milwaukee or having a mini intervention right now?

At some point I knew I wanted to move and I also knew I needed to stop living how I was living. I imagined my liver probably was that of a 75-year-old man and my brain was becoming deformed. So I booked it to Los Angeles and started doing coke… KIDDING. I chilled out and essentially continued on with my life in a culture that I preferred.

Over the last 7 years or so I’ve come to appreciate Milwaukee for all the things that I missed while I lived here, which is standard protocol for just about anyone who returns to somewhere. It took me a minute to realize that the culture is more than just getting black out drunk. Having said that… Drinking is still a MASSIVE part of Milwaukee and there is no getting around that.

Regardless - it’s holiday season 2012 and I’m back. I guess I’m a little wiser and I’m definitely older and I’m fully prepared to embrace the things I once couldn’t handle. The culture that I once was being tornadoed in is no more. It’s not as though I stopped drinking or something, it’s just that I’m aware of what the hell can happen to me, I’ve been down that road before.

Fuck it. Bring it on, Wisconsin. Bring on the Packers, Bucks, not the Brewers, the cold, the cold forcing me to stay inside and do nothing, the booze, and did I mention the Packers? This is a culture to embrace head on like you’re staring down a bull, and just like staring down a bull - if you’re able to coherently discuss it after it’s over, then you’ve succeeded.

Colorado: The Culture

 

For me, Colorado is one of those places I could go and one day later realize that I’ve been there for five years. Not sure if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. Keep in mind it’s not really a place for me, I’m more accustom to city living in California. Even Denver doesn’t have a complete city feel to me, it just seems like a pretty laid back.

When I think of Colorado I think of …

Recycling, changing my eating habits to get rid of glucose, getting a Subaru, riding a horse, eating cage free eggs, hiking, bike riding, more activities in general, drinking more beer than I already do, watching less TV, being outside more, yoga, and getting a dog – To name a few.

I was visiting my family in Colorado these last few days and lost track of time. I was consumed with relaxing with elements of drinking. I forgot that I write on my blog and actually have stuff to do. I was ultimately sucked into the culture and it scared me. There is always the possibility of never coming back.

I’m back in LA with clear eyes and a detox ahead of me. I feel like a stronger man after weathering the Colorado culture. I’m happy to be home, I was even happier to visit my family – It’s kind of a confusing scenario.

Whatever the case, I’m back to work and wondering if anyone else feels like I do in Colorado. Do you lose track of time? Am I just victim to visiting family and taking a vacation? I don’t know, and that’s just the thing. Colorado did this.

*Yes, well aware that I bunched a lot of cities and towns into “Colorado.”

Did You See Empire Strikes Back In The Theater?

 

My first introduction to the Star Wars films was from VHS. Unfortunately, I wasn’t alive when they hit the theaters but honestly, if I could get my time machine working I’d seriously consider going back for the Empire Strikes Back / Vader is Luke’s father reveal.

This weekend I had a conversation with my girlfriend about what it must have been like to sit in the theater and be blown away at the reveal. I can imagine people asking each other if they just heard that correctly, or god forbid, the people who had to deal with a crying child and missed it… or the stoner who couldn’t comprehend… or the guy who got sick and had to run to the bathroom and will forever regret the day he had to leave the theater.

Somewhere in my conversation I concluded 3 things: 1) I want to talk with people about their reaction to seeing Empire Strikes Back in the theater and what they did when they heard Vader was Luke’s father. 2) I want to talk to the few people who missed the reveal. 3) I am going to find people from 1 and 2 and make a video.

Not sure if you’re aware but I also make videos here on the web. I’m thinking that something I’m going to work on is exactly what I mentioned above. So, if you are someone who saw Empire Strikes Back in the theater or if you know anyone who did, please let me know or have them get in contact with me. I need to talk with them... And film them. Also, if you know anyone who left the theater please let me know.

Best email: josh@thebigshoe.tv

This quest starts today. I need to know exactly what it was like when people found out the baddest dude in the universe was the dad to Luke Skywalker.

(plug) If you want to check out any videos on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/thebigshoetv

Petraeus: The Least Surprising Thing Ever.

 

Dear surprised people,

Am I the only person who thinks that the General Petraeus cheating scandal isn’t really that big of a fucking deal, and the only thing we should be surprised by is that he’s stupid enough to use email. Somewhere in that CIA training he had to understand the possible negative implications of an e-paper trail.

I think it may be time for a good chunk of people to enter the real world and stop pretending that we live in a Leave it to Beaver world, and people of power do in fact… stray.

I understand that people like to hold others in a very high regard, and I understand that common folk tend to have wandering eyes so common folk needs to look at men and women as people with more self control, ultimately holding them in a brighter light and looking up to them.

Its time that people stop acting like infidelity is a sign of the times, it’s not. It’s been around forever, maybe even longer. It’s just that there are more ways for people to get caught. I think the real goal is to live in honesty and be upfront about everything. The person who has nothing to hide usually doesn’t get caught for cheating.

For the record I’m definitely not saying that having a mistress and straying is a good thing, nor am I saying it’s the right thing. I’m just saying that we all need to stop being so fucking surprised that people who you don’t actually know have someone on the side. Having a mistress doesn’t change the world - it just keeps it going.

Sincerely,

A guy who has been faithful for many years and would possibly be castrated if it was any other way.

P.S.

Here’s a list of (some) men who have had mistresses:

140% of NBA players (not exact) 120% of NFL players (not exact) 110% of Futbol players (not exact) 90% of Hockey players (not exact) 70% of MLB players (not exact) Thomas Jefferson Benjamin Franklin George Washington Alexander Hamilton James Madison Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Bill Clinton Client 9 Elliot Spitzer Newt JFK Lyndon Johnson Anthony “greatest last name ever” Weiner John Edwards

…You get the point. Stop being so surprised.